I wanted to make a post about this in hopes it may help others in similar situations. I will put trigger and cw/ct warnings right here: Alcoholism, abuse, hoarding, sexual abuse, suicidal ideation, animal abuse. Please don't read on if these things trigger you.
My mother is an alcoholic. She has been a heavy drinker since I was about 11-12 years old. Before that, she was sexually abusive to both myself and my little brother.
I am now almost 37. For most of my mother's life, she was a high functioning alcoholic. She had a very good job with Astra Merck as a pharmaceutical sales representative. I grew up in affluence, though that didn't stop the abuse. I often went hungry because she'd be too drunk to cook. If she did cook, she would make the food so spicy that it was not edible. She would pass out at the dinner table.
My parents fought constantly. I remember praying that they'd get divorced. I don't blame my dad for all the chaos of the time. Living with and having a relationship with an alcoholic bleeds into every corner of your life.
When my father and mother divorced 14 years ago, she began a relationship with a woman named Candice. Candice was a recovering alcoholic. You can already tell this isn't going to end well.
About three years into that relationship, Candice took up drinking again. They were very violent and abusive to each other. My mother would regularly call me late at night, very intoxicated. She would scream at me, call me names and tell me she hated me and what a disappointment I was. At the time, I was struggling very hard with depression and suicidal ideation. I felt very abandoned and alone. My anger and resentment towards my mother grew.
Five years into her relationship with Candice saw them frequently beating each other up. It also began the hoarding problem. My mother is a hoarder. She doesn't hoard junk nor does she collect things. No, my mother hoards cats and garbage.
Two years ago, Candice passed away. The autopsy said pulmonary embolism, but there was still some suspicion regarding her passing. I spoke to a Sheriff when it happened. They made it clear they thought domestic violence might have been a contributing factor to her death. I was not, sadly, surprised. At the time, I was not on speaking terms with my mother.
Candice dying didn't change that. But I'll tell you what did: My husband and I went to her house when she wasn't home and we looked into the windows. What I saw horrified me. Piles of feces. Dead animals. Piles of garbage. The smell from just outside the house was absolutely staggering.
Now, my mother has MRSA on her breast that is tunneling into her body. Her eye is constantly infected. She fights off frequent UTI's. She is very ill and in my opinion, doesn't have long. The DT's are violent tremors by about 3 o'clock in the afternoon. She smells like cat piss, rotten meat and feces. She hasn't bathed in two years. Her clothes are frequently stained with feces and blood.
People have asked me why I'm bothering.
I get their question and it's something I've asked myself more than once. I don't want her around my children. I don't want to be around her. She isn't abusive when sober, but she can't remember things well and I have to disinfect my house every time she comes over. I don't love my mother and haven't for a very long time.
My brother wanted to have her declared incompetent and take guardianship of her, force her into rehab and then take her house and her pension. Had I thought his motivation was purely to help, I would've been all for it. But I didn't think that. I was certain it was to steal her money. I've learned things since that have convinced me of this.
Regardless of what she's done: She is a human being. And no human being deserves to live in filth and garbage. I want to teach my children that while you can't keep toxic people close (and addicts are toxic), you don't turn away a human being in need of aid. I cannot get her to stop drinking. I can't fix her. I can't erase the decades of abuse. That's not why I'm doing this.
I am giving her a clean, safe place to die. She has alienated everyone she knows. She has no friends. Her partner is dead. Does she deserve all that? Yes. She does. But I wouldn't let a dog die in that place. And it's a selfish motivation. The idea of my mother's dead body being pulled from that house is so horrifying to me that it was giving me nightmares and panic attacks. For whatever reason, it's not something I can deal with.
What I can deal with: Putting up with her for a few weeks in order to get her into this apartment. After that, I'm done. People will tell you that you have to let an alcoholic hit rock bottom. You have to withdraw. Hope from afar. I don't have any hope and I am not even sad about that anymore. But she's been at rock bottom for three years. There isn't anywhere lower to go. That isn't going to change her or help her.
It's complicated for me. It's hard on my husband who doesn't like seeing me upset. I see this as the last good turn she'll get from me. It will let me relax and accept. Grieve. Move on.
Sometimes it's not about the fucking abusive alcoholic. Sometimes it is about -you- and what you need to move on. This is what I need. I won't apologize for it.
