When you decide to help someone who will never get better...

I wanted to make a post about this in hopes it may help others in similar situations. I will put trigger and cw/ct warnings right here: Alcoholism, abuse, hoarding, sexual abuse, suicidal ideation, animal abuse. Please don't read on if these things trigger you.


My mother is an alcoholic. She has been a heavy drinker since I was about 11-12 years old. Before that, she was sexually abusive to both myself and my little brother.

I am now almost 37. For most of my mother's life, she was a high functioning alcoholic. She had a very good job with Astra Merck as a pharmaceutical sales representative. I grew up in affluence, though that didn't stop the abuse. I often went hungry because she'd be too drunk to cook. If she did cook, she would make the food so spicy that it was not edible. She would pass out at the dinner table.

My parents fought constantly. I remember praying that they'd get divorced. I don't blame my dad for all the chaos of the time. Living with and having a relationship with an alcoholic bleeds into every corner of your life.

When my father and mother divorced 14 years ago, she began a relationship with a woman named Candice. Candice was a recovering alcoholic. You can already tell this isn't going to end well.

About three years into that relationship, Candice took up drinking again. They were very violent and abusive to each other. My mother would regularly call me late at night, very intoxicated. She would scream at me, call me names and tell me she hated me and what a disappointment I was. At the time, I was struggling very hard with depression and suicidal ideation. I felt very abandoned and alone. My anger and resentment towards my mother grew.

Five years into her relationship with Candice saw them frequently beating each other up. It also began the hoarding problem. My mother is a hoarder. She doesn't hoard junk nor does she collect things. No, my mother hoards cats and garbage.

Two years ago, Candice passed away. The autopsy said pulmonary embolism, but there was still some suspicion regarding her passing. I spoke to a Sheriff when it happened. They made it clear they thought domestic violence might have been a contributing factor to her death. I was not, sadly, surprised. At the time, I was not on speaking terms with my mother.

Candice dying didn't change that. But I'll tell you what did: My husband and I went to her house when she wasn't home and we looked into the windows. What I saw horrified me. Piles of feces. Dead animals. Piles of garbage. The smell from just outside the house was absolutely staggering.

Now, my mother has MRSA on her breast that is tunneling into her body. Her eye is constantly infected. She fights off frequent UTI's. She is very ill and in my opinion, doesn't have long. The DT's are violent tremors by about 3 o'clock in the afternoon. She smells like cat piss, rotten meat and feces. She hasn't bathed in two years. Her clothes are frequently stained with feces and blood.

People have asked me why I'm bothering.

I get their question and it's something I've asked myself more than once. I don't want her around my children. I don't want to be around her. She isn't abusive when sober, but she can't remember things well and I have to disinfect my house every time she comes over. I don't love my mother and haven't for a very long time.

My brother wanted to have her declared incompetent and take guardianship of her, force her into rehab and then take her house and her pension. Had I thought his motivation was purely to help, I would've been all for it. But I didn't think that. I was certain it was to steal her money. I've learned things since that have convinced me of this.

Regardless of what she's done: She is a human being. And no human being deserves to live in filth and garbage. I want to teach my children that while you can't keep toxic people close (and addicts are toxic), you don't turn away a human being in need of aid. I cannot get her to stop drinking. I can't fix her. I can't erase the decades of abuse. That's not why I'm doing this.

I am giving her a clean, safe place to die. She has alienated everyone she knows. She has no friends. Her partner is dead. Does she deserve all that? Yes. She does. But I wouldn't let a dog die in that place. And it's a selfish motivation. The idea of my mother's dead body being pulled from that house is so horrifying to me that it was giving me nightmares and panic attacks. For whatever reason, it's not something I can deal with.

What I can deal with: Putting up with her for a few weeks in order to get her into this apartment. After that, I'm done. People will tell you that you have to let an alcoholic hit rock bottom. You have to withdraw. Hope from afar. I don't have any hope and I am not even sad about that anymore. But she's been at rock bottom for three years. There isn't anywhere lower to go. That isn't going to change her or help her.

It's complicated for me. It's hard on my husband who doesn't like seeing me upset. I see this as the last good turn she'll get from me. It will let me relax and accept. Grieve. Move on.

Sometimes it's not about the fucking abusive alcoholic. Sometimes it is about -you- and what you need to move on. This is what I need. I won't apologize for it.

How to write a novel in 30 days, part two.

This is coming a little later than I intended, and for that I apologize. I had some family issues to work through. I'm sure if you follow me on facebook, you already know all about it. And I do encourage anyone who wants to, to go ahead and follow me! Don't be shy. I may not friend you if we don't have mutual friends, but if you follow me, you can interact and comment. My facebook is public.

Now, on to the good stuff!

In part two of my video, linked below, I talk about how to outline, how to break writers' block and time management. I will get more into each of these things here.

Video in question:

I try to keep these videos short-ish. No one wants to hear me ramble on forever! So, let's address the topics in the video in a little more detail.

1. How to outline: As mentioned, I think keeping it to one to two sentences (no more than four) per chapter works just fine. And yes, I do mean outline chapter by chapter until you reach 'the end'. I will provide an example as I think this is the most effective way of getting my point across. 

Chapter One: Ron meets with Sue. They talk about their mutual pasts.

Chapter Two: Ron has a run in with his ex girlfriend.

Chapter Three: Ron asks Sue out on a date. Sue turns him down. 

Really, keep it that simple. It's just a skeleton. You need it to be loose like this so you have room to deviate. This process of writing a book really quickly is to promote pure creativity. And to shut down your inner editor so you can make real progress, really quickly!  If anyone has any questions about the outlining process? Just ask me! Either on FB, on the video in the comments section, or on here! 

2. Time management: This is really important. You're going to want to use what writing time you have. Every second of it! Make sure you have a quiet place to write. Barring that, get some noise canceling headphones. I know they're expensive, but check out app's like Wish. You can get some kick ass headphones for a few bucks! 

Set up ahead of time: What do I mean? Most writers I know have little rituals that help them get comfortable to write. I encourage these up until the point that it actually interferes with their ability to get to work. Out of coffee...can't write. Wrong time of day, can't write. Don't have my comfy blanket. Can't write. STOP MAKING EXCUSES. You know that's what you're doing. I've done it, too! It's bullshit, so cut it out. Treat writing like a job. YOUR DREAM JOB. 

Divide your time if you must: Don't have three hours to dedicate to writing? Work long days? That's fine. Split that shit up. Write for an hour in the morning, a couple in the evening. Write on your lunch break. Yes, it's hard. Yes, some days you won't want to. But DO IT. You will thank me later. 

Make notes: Are you writing an epic fantasy? Good! Awesome! Write some fucking notes! You don't have time for tons and tons of world building because you're going to do this as you draft. So, when ideas pop up at work, at the store, on a date...etc, take a little notepad with you and write down -everything-. 

Last:  NO EXCUSES. Write the book. Finish it. Gain confidence in your ability and talent. It's your heart and soul, I know it is. Treat it as such. Make some sacrifices. You can do it. I believe in you! If you ever need a pep talk? Hit me up!

3. OH NO WRITERS' BLOCK HEEEELP MEEEE! First? Take a breath. It's probably NOT writers' block. Unpopular opinion? I don't believe it actually exists. I believe it's OTHER things. Depression. Lack of time management. Physical exhaustion. Mental exhaustion. Getting stuck. Writing a character you can't identify with. Etc. So, let's figure out some things we can do to to break the block.

Blank page freak you out? Yeah, me too. Fill that shit up. With anything. Blah blah blah I don't know what to write blah blah, is better than nothing. Start in the middle of a scene if the start isn't coming to you. Skip ahead a chapter if you have to. Just. Start.

Help, I'm stuck!  Been there! I can't with transitions sometimes. I want to condense action and move the character forward without a lot of exposition. But sometimes? A transition isn't coming to me. What do I do? Skip that shit! Make a note in the manuscript and on a separate document. Scrolling through an entire manuscript looking for your notes and things you skipped will get old real fast. Save yourself the headache! Skip whatever is halting the drafting process. You'll get there and you will fix it. Just do it later!

SELF CARE: This one is vital. Eat meals. Good ones if you can. Drink water. Take vitamins. Get some sunshine. Take a walk. Call a friend. Writing is so solitary. You are going to need breaks. Make them as healthy for you as possible! Take a bubble bath. Listen to music. Go for a drive. Whatever helps you relax. 

I hate my main character!  Don't worry. This happens to the best of us. Sometimes, a POV isn't meshing. We can't identify and it makes writing like pulling teeth. BE HONEST with yourself. Can you keep it up? If you're not interested, then how will the reader be interested? You may need to scrap that POV or tweak that character until they have something you can relate to. 

MY PLOT IS SWISS CHEESE. MANY HOLES! Yup. I've been there too. And just like getting stuck in a scene? Skip places you can't connect. I can almost guarantee you the missing pieces will just fall into place. If you can't bear to do that, realize that nothing is precious. Not the plot. Not the characters. Not the setting. Cut what you have to so you can move on. Change what you must. Don't you marry yourself to a plot and stubbornly hold onto it until it completely kills your ability to write. Stop that. 

I can't write today because I'm (fill in a negative emotion here) I understand, darlings, I really do. I've suffered from clinical depression for nearly my entire life. Sometimes? I don't want to get out of bed. But sometimes? Pushing through it will help. But sometimes? It won't. Take a day off. Practice self care. Talk to a friend. If this goes on and on? Get some help. I mean that. I had to. Sometimes we all need a hand up. If it's just the blah's? Well, sometimes I don't want to work! I want to play video games and eat pizza all day. But, writing is my job. Social media is my job. Graphic art is my job. I work seven days a week. Even when I'd rather not. Treat writing like a job. And it WILL be your job. 

Some exercises to help writers' block fuck right off:

Sometimes, we don't know why the words aren't coming. In those cases? Here's some fun shit to do that helps.

1. Write an interview with your main character. Interview them! Ask them stuff!

2. Have a word war with a friend. If you have a friend whose a writer, challenge them to a word war! Time it for fifteen minutes and whoever writes the most words wins!

3. Take a scene you've already written and write it from a different character's POV. 

4. Write a scene in the antagonist's POV.

5. Role play. Be your character and go about your day. Sounds ridiculous but it's legit how Meriweather and I write our novels. 

6. If it's your current WIP that's blocking you, write a setting. A new one. Describe every detail. Save it. It may come in handy!

If you have any suggestions, questions, tips, comments, etc, please leave them for me!

That's all for today, folks. I will post another video about this process in the next few days. Next time? I will talk more in depth on how to structure your chapters and how to make your inner editor stfu. <3 

How to Write a Novel in 30 Days! Part One!

This blog post is going to follow along with my youtube series under the same name. In the first part, I talked about the process a little, but really, it was more of an intro to the system I used to teach.

I will be a little more long winded here and go into a little more detail.  This will serve as a companion to the web series.

So, what I talked about in the first episode was how to come up with ideas. I glossed over it a bit, so I will go into more detail on this here.

The question I get asked a LOT by other writers/aspiring writers, is how I get my ideas. Now, the dynamic for ideas for Belshalara is way different than the way I come up with ideas on my own. Collaboration is just not the same as doing it solo. I will do a blog post about -that-, but it doesn't really apply here.

If you're having trouble getting ideas, here are some tips to try:

Headlines in the news:

Sounds silly, but go through the papers online. Look at the headlines and let yourself ask questions without actually reading the news story. This can work for any genre.

Music:

Go for a long drive. Take a bath. Go on a walk. Anything. And bring music with you. I find that music inspires me. Sometimes it's just a feeling. Sometimes it's a whole scene. I find I think cinematically.

Art:

Looking at pictures also helps me. Pinterest, as mentioned in the video, is a great way to find inspirational pictures. Make a board for your book/idea and search up images. Start broad if you don't have an idea yet, but you have a mood, theme or genre you want to write in.

Ask what if questions:

What if zombies could think but couldn't communicate? What if aliens were kidnapping children, not to experiment on them, but to save them from the end of Earth? You can go on and on, and this too works for any genre.

Think of what's lacking in the genre you love:

This is kind of what started the Belshalara series. I was complaining to Merris that there were TOO MANY medieval inspired fantasy fiction books. I was tired of dragons and castles and knights. Not there is anything wrong with those things, I just wanted something else. And boom, Belsahlara was born after Merris suggested we write a fantasy with a Victorian Gothic Romance feel to it.

Make a character:

Seems back asswards, but I swear, it's not! Make a character. Pick her traits, how she looks, what she wears. Everything about him or her. Think outside of the box with race and gender. Make someone you want to get to know better. Sometimes. when a character is 'real' to you, they tell the story themselves.


Just some tips I've used. I hope they help you! On today's video, I will be talking about how to organize that idea, break down word count day by day and prepare to start drafting.

Have any questions? Thoughts? Want me to talk about something in particular? Post questions here or on my youtube channel! I look forward to hearing from you all.

--Lillian


Link to our youtube channel: Asterios Family Youtube Channel
Link to our facebook page: Lillian and Meriweather's FB fan page
Link to our Belshalara page: Books of Belshalara FB page

Writing with Lillian! How to write a novel in 30 days. Part One

Merris and Lillian Review The Witch

Spoilers ahead! NSFW. Merris and I review the Witch which we saw on our date night. I talk about the Devil's wang and titties. Like I do in every video, apparently!

Today is hard. And yesterday was also hard.

*BIG BREATH* Okay. I'm a big proponent of body positivity. Not just for me, but for every person. I do not feel positive about my body today. And I didn't yesterday. Last week was a bust and next week isn't looking good either.

My husband Meriweather and I, along with our roommate, have decided to start a youtube channel to talk about various things in our life. Share our nonsense with the world. For various reasons. But largely because we just want to.

Maddy and Merris look GREAT on camera. Me? Not so much.

At least, I don't think so. And it depresses me. It makes it hard for me to upload my own vlogs. I know I should. And I want to help out my family. But I'm just scared. I don't like my voice. I don't like my face. I don't like my fat.

I don't know how to push past bad feelings like this sometimes. I try to be positive all the time. But sometimes? That doesn't work. And I don't want to come across as fishing for compliments. I just needed to get this out. I'm sure everyone has times where they don't like how they look. I just wish that I could have a day...JUST ONE...where I felt okay to be me.