Today is hard. And yesterday was also hard.

*BIG BREATH* Okay. I'm a big proponent of body positivity. Not just for me, but for every person. I do not feel positive about my body today. And I didn't yesterday. Last week was a bust and next week isn't looking good either.

My husband Meriweather and I, along with our roommate, have decided to start a youtube channel to talk about various things in our life. Share our nonsense with the world. For various reasons. But largely because we just want to.

Maddy and Merris look GREAT on camera. Me? Not so much.

At least, I don't think so. And it depresses me. It makes it hard for me to upload my own vlogs. I know I should. And I want to help out my family. But I'm just scared. I don't like my voice. I don't like my face. I don't like my fat.

I don't know how to push past bad feelings like this sometimes. I try to be positive all the time. But sometimes? That doesn't work. And I don't want to come across as fishing for compliments. I just needed to get this out. I'm sure everyone has times where they don't like how they look. I just wish that I could have a day...JUST ONE...where I felt okay to be me.

On being a fatty

Hello.  I am fat.

It's true!  And that's okay.  

What's not okay:  Shaming me for being fat.  In any way.  Even a passive aggressive, health concern troll sort of way.  You know the type:  "It's just not okay to be fat because omygosh it causes health problems!  Obesity is a disease and you could TOTALLY DIE from being a fatty fat fatso.  I say this because I -care-."

Right.

Fuck off.

I am also...get ready for this...healthy!  In the world we're in today, no one is going to believe that, but it's true.  My blood work says so.  My blood sugar, BP, heart rate and everything else is in the green.  I work out every day.  I eat a clean, ketogenic diet.  No processed crap. No sugar.  I feel great! And golly, I think I look pretty great too.  

I know, I know.  I'm only deluding myself because overweight people are just the -worst-.  

Here's how we deal with the obesity problem:

1.  Stop being a dick to fat people.

And that's it.  Stop pretending you care about our health. You don't.  It's just that seeing fat people makes you uncomfortable and you really don't want us to exist in your space.  And since we take up more of that space than you want us to?  It makes you mad.  Because...?  I don't know, honestly.  Maybe you hate yourself.  Maybe you're having a bad time of things.  I could not give less of a fuck about those reasons if I tried.  

Fat shaming has never once helped anyone.  The only obesity problem there is that the world thinks it's okay to be abusive towards the overweight.  That's the problem.  

I look at the comments on Tess Munster's pictures in magazine and online journals and I cringe.  Because those people?  They think that about me too.  I'm 269lbs and 5'10.  I wear a size 24.  And people I don't know hate me because I'm fat.  

Wellp.  FUCK THEM.  Screw it!  I am fat. I matter.  I am beautiful.  I am allowed to exist.  And if YOU don't like it?  My ass is ready for kisses.